


The Fallen Caterpillar, the Rising Butterfly

by katiekat784



Series: Quotes I Feel In My Bones [2]
Category: Nikita (TV 2010)
Genre: Alex's thoughts about her life, Early Alex and Nikita days, Gen, Nalex friendship (but not quite yet), a little angsty, pre-division, spoilers up to 1x15 Alexandra
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-26
Updated: 2021-02-26
Packaged: 2021-03-17 01:55:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,575
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29709873
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/katiekat784/pseuds/katiekat784
Summary: The fire and events that destroyed her life, left a tiny part of her soul still there, just out of reach. She realized the drugs weren't the only thing that had been crawling inside her veins all these years. Somewhere, the younger, innocent Alexandra Udinov still survived. She was still waiting to be set free, to live. And Alex was going to do exactly that. She was going to live.Alex thinks about the tragic events of her life and the times she's tried to get clean.
Relationships: Nikita Mears & Alexandra Udinov
Series: Quotes I Feel In My Bones [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2197437
Kudos: 1





	The Fallen Caterpillar, the Rising Butterfly

**Author's Note:**

> I saw the quote and thought it fit Alex so well.

" _Someone I loved once gave me a box of darkness. It took me years to understand that this too, was a gift." – Mary Oliver_

* * *

The first time the drugs left her system, it wasn't about getting clean, not really. Vlad had refused to give her anything for six days. It was her punishment for helping one of the girls after a really bad night with one of their worst regulars. He had beat Nadia worse than usual and Alex had stepped in, offered herself for the rest of the night if he let Nadia go "freshen up" for the rest of the time he paid. When Vlad found out, he slapped her around and told her that she needed to be taught how to not interfere with other people's business. He had already taken her body, her soul, her freedom. The one thing he let her – and all the others – have, were the drugs. They helped, they didn't stop the pain or make her forget but they did help. With the drugs, she could almost pretend that it wasn't her body that was being used. She could almost pretend that she was an outsider, floating, watching this disgusting scene from above. Almost. And of course, he took the one tiny shed of serenity – whatever the fuck that was – away from her. Not only that, but while she was detoxing, she was still expected to preform her usual duties. The hit after that torturous week was the best hit, she had ever received. And it made her simultaneously cry with relief and weep with disgust when she ran to the bathroom thirty minutes later, emptying the contents of her stomach and a little more of her will to live.

The next time she got clean, it was her decision. She was planning on escaping this hell and to do that, she had to be focused. Getting out wasn't the most difficult part. Memories of what her papa taught her came to her in flashes, like a ghost haunting its next victim. No, after a couple weeks of looking, observing – because no one paid attention to anything other than what was between her legs – she knew what she had to do to be free. That wasn't the most challenging task. It was resisting the urge to get high. After the second night and sixth man to climb on top of her and take what they thought was theirs, she failed. Her skin itched, her lungs felt like they were on fire. She knew that they couldn't be, she was well aware of smells and sensations of fires and flames. But that didn't stop her from thinking like she was going to die. She couldn't think, she couldn't breathe. Her only goal was no longer getting out but getting high. So, she shot up again, and it stirred the same conflicting feelings inside her. But it didn't feel like what happened with Nadia. This time, it was only half of what she normally took. It wasn't nearly enough, and she was desperate for more. She bit her lip so hard she tasted the metallic flavor of blood to stop herself from crying when she flushed the rest of it down the drain. But she didn't feel as though there were bugs crawling in her veins. She continued to do this, taking half, quietly sobbing while she threw away the rest for two weeks, waiting for the right moment.

Vlad was a smart, sadistic asshole but his men, the goons guarding her and the other girls… not so much. Just like all the other men that stepped through this hellhole, Vlad's men took the girls earnings and then a little extra for themselves. She told Irina that morning what she was going to do. She asked Irina to come with her, but she was too scared. So, she pressed her lips to her fathers watch and gave it to her, tears spilling down her cheeks. That night, while Irina kept one of the two men guarding the girls busy, she grabbed the switchblade from his jeans and ran, not looking back. Vlad almost got her, but he wasn't expecting her to be armed and the gash on his face provided her with just enough of a distraction for her to escape…Vlad but not the damn drugs.

The third time she got clean was by far the scariest time. She had been on her own for years now. Vlad hadn't found her, she had escaped. She was supposed to be free. She should've been free. Except, he was still winning. The difference between her then and her now was that now she was able to choose who she fucked and for how much. She ended up with Ronnie because she was tired of living on the street. She told herself that she was no longer in captivity, that she could choose when she wanted to walk away… but she couldn't. He provided her with the best drugs and a place to sleep. And sure, he – like every other person she'd ever met – liked to get a bonus from her but at least she had the illusion of being free, the illusion of choice. Until she found him and his friends looking at her with those wild eyes and she knew that once again, the illusion was being shattered. But then _she_ showed up out of nowhere, kicked their asses and saved her from them. And Alex didn't know what this was going to cost her, and it terrified her. Then _she_ knocked her out and placed her into that box and Alex's world changed once again.

The next two weeks were hell. All she wanted was a hit. She sobbed and screamed bloody murder and begged until she collapsed and when she woke up, she would do again. But the older woman wouldn't budge. She only offered snippets of conversations about her own struggles of getting clean, but Alex didn't have the ability to listen. She felt like she couldn't breathe, she certainly wasn't able to follow a conversation with the woman. She flew in and out of consciousness, her lungs screamed at her, her skull pounded, her body ached. The other woman – she called herself Nikita – came into the "sauna" with water and food that Alex tried to resist but drank and ate when it became too much not to. And then when she threw it all up, collapsing as her body – and her mind – tried to make sense of it all. Nikita cleaned it up, time after time. Always when she was passed out, always before Alex could wake up and try to escape. Except for one time when she caught her captor off guard. Although, that lasted two seconds before Nikita pinned her down and overpowered her. But unlike any other person, Nikita let her go, never using that strength to take from her. Alex was both relieved and alarmed at that fact.

When she finally finished her detox, the contents of the past few years left her body, she knew something had to change. She tried to understand what the hell was going on. Nikita was kind and gentle and didn't seem to have an ulterior motive. She tried to make Alex feel safe and asked what Alex wanted in the fridge. And at night, she would stay on her own bed and never go near Alex, never using her vulnerability against her. Which was the most terrifying thing of all because Alex didn't have the strength to try and decipher this woman's true intentions. She didn't understand why this woman couldn't have just left her alone. Alone. She was always alone. She had no one left. Everyone was dead, everyone but her. Although, she was pretty much dead anyways. Her body had been passed around so much, she couldn't even call it hers and her mind… well between the fire, the men, the drugs. She really wasn't sure what was left of her mind anymore. She had nothing to life for. Why couldn't Nikita see that, why couldn't she accept that she didn't deserve to be saved? She found the pills one night and waited for Nikita to go on her next grocery trip before downing half the bottle. She felt the numbness, her body slowly shutting itself down and she closed her eyes, relief passed through her features. Maybe she'll see her papa, her mother again. The world went black…

and then she felt the all too familiar feeling of her insides punishing her for trying to take away the pain. She sat there, Nikita's arms holding her in place as she sobbed, begging the other woman to let her die, choking on why the hell Nikita couldn't grant her this one act of freedom. When Nikita told her the one thing she never, ever thought she would hear, she sobbed again. She had a reason to live, to exist. Something shifted, she felt the smallest glimmer of relief and knew that there was still a sliver of hope left. The fire and events that destroyed her life, left a tiny part of her soul still there, just out of reach. She now realized the drugs weren't the only thing that had been crawling inside her veins. Somewhere, the younger, innocent Alexandra Udinov still survived. She was still waiting to be set free, to live and Alex was going to do just that.

**Author's Note:**

> So, this was supposed to be around 500 words but things happen. I love Alex so much and I wanted to try and get inside her mind (at least pre Division mind). I wish there were more fics of her and Nikita in the pre Division days. I would've loved to see their friendship more. Hopefully, I did just justice. I'm still trying to get her voice down. I was so floored with the amount of people that left reviews and read my first Nikita story on my FF account. I was encouraged to write more. Thank you to everyone who did that. And as always, thanks for reading.


End file.
